My Life - Part IV

This was a government office that we use to work for and it was kind of self-contained area. Most people use to live on premises or very close to premises. Everyone use to go home for their lunch. I was the lonely soul. Some times I use to eat in mess and sometime I use to skip lunch completely. After our engagement, now that Paro use to bring lunch for me, we started having lunch together. No one use to be in office. We respected each other and as soon as we finished lunch, I use to go for a walk and Paro went to see her group of other operators. It was like no one know about our relationship unless we wanted someone to know.
One day, one of the office assistant came back early (he was fasting or something) and he stared at both of us having lunch. Whole 20 minutes, he kept staring at us. I was getting pissed off but Paro stopped me from saying anything. His name was QUE-BALL (DomKavla). After that day, QueBall started eves dropping when we use to have our lunch together. I had asked Paro’s cousine also not to break the news for a while.
One day QueBall came to me after I finished lunch and my walk.
QueBall: “Are you acting smart?”
Me: “Why do you think so?”
QueBall: “I have been observing that you have been spending time with Paro everyday for lunch”.
Me: “So?”
QueBall: “You don’t know she is very nice girl. If she goes around with you her name will be spoiled”.
Me: “I think she is matured enough to understand that and if you have problem with that why don’t you tell her. Why are you complaining to me”
QueBall: “I will make sure that she does not see you again”
Me: “Sure, go ahead”

Next day, again he saw us having lunch together. Paro was narrating while having lunch how QueBall came to her and told her that I am not a very good person and she should keep her distance. He also told her that I have a girl-friend whose photo was on my desk and he claims that he works at night… blah… blah… blah…

We were eating, chatting and laughing and QueBall walks in the office. To irritate him, I started giggling looking at him. QueBall was very upset. He was kind of a person who use to think that he knows everything and people should listen to him.

After a while, he came to me and said, “I will complain to the chairman of the office”. I said, with pleasure, if you don’t complain, I am going to go and complain. Just wait till end of the month. Actually, I was waiting for month end to break the news because if I break the news, I will have to give sweets. There were so many people in office that I would spend like 25% of my salary on it.

He kept quite, month end was just around the corner. On first of next month, I got 3 large packets of sweets and went directly into chairman’s room. Gave him sweets and gave news. He congratulated to me. Then I went to my department head and did the same thing. Went to all other offices and gave sweets to everyone and came back only when people left for lunch. QueBall was sitting there. As soon as I walked in he tell me, “why are you spoiling someone’s name”. I asked, “whose name am I spoiling? I hope I am not spoiling your name, at least”. He started scolding me for spreading the news that me and Paro were engaged. Actually when I distributed sweets, no one believed me. And Paro kept mum. She never accepted nor denied the news. We were having fun with everyone. In few minutes, Paro walked in with her lunch box in my office. QueBall started scolding her too. We both were looking at each other and smiling. Finally, I asked him, what is your problem? If she is not complaining what are you complaining about? Stop it and mind your own business. He was sooo angry and we were having fun. After lunch, I distributed sweets in my own department. QueBall did not take it first but when Paro’s cousin took it and congratulated me, he said “Are you serious? Is it true that you are engaged to Paro?”
I asked him, “Do you think I am so dumb that I will distribute sweets in whole world?” If you have had common sense, you would have believed me.
My family, her family and everyone at our place know each other; I wonder what YOUR problem is. But henceforth if you try to get in our mess, I am going to kick you ass.

Since then, he just kept quite and we continued our daily lunch program. Now we had nothing to hide. While leaving office, I use to go out hand-in-hand with her, drop her up to bus-stop and come back. Dunno why but I use to like to work alone in office during late evenings and nights when no one use to be around. I could do more work when I was alone.

During all this, I have been working late nights and my project for the year was coming to an end. I did wonderfully as a result, the office wanted me to place permanently in the office. (The project for which I was recruited was a temporary position). And here started politics. My team lead has been a temp for 6 years and she was still temp whereas I was going to be permanent and she was upset about it.

She started creating problems for me. During one of my review with deputy director for permanent position, office superintendent said “He is fantastic programmer, we don’t get such programmers often, we need him for sure and I request you to sanction the position”. Basically, it was case presentation to create a new position in organization which was then to be referred to Ministry of HRD under which this organization use to run.
Then she said, if he is so good, why is he working at such low salary here. There are so many jobs available outside. Why does he not go outside. All she wanted to prove that I am mediocre and she deserves the position most. Well, that moment I decided that I will not work here any more, my next job has to be something better. So I went to my department head with my resignation letter. He is such a gem of a person, I have not seen such people in my life. Even though he was at such a high position, he is so humble. He requested me to stay back for sometime. I agreed. I said “Sir, I give you 2 months. I will do what I have to for 2 months but by then you better find another person. I am not going to be here after 2 months”. He agreed.

Later during those 2 months I was asked to go to Kanpur on official business and I went for 7 days. As soon as I was back I decided that I don’t want to continue anymore. My department head also was changed during the time. So there was no more moral binding to hold me back to my job.

My Life - Part III

Continued...

it was a wait worth. You know the feeling? It is like you want no one to know about your affair and still you want to shout at top of your voice to let the whole world know about your love. I loved that feeling in a way. This went on for few months (4 months to be precise). Paro tried to keep her head for her studies and exams but I guess after February, she was all thinking about me. (I can just guess how she felt, even today she does not share her feeling and that has been one of my greatest complain to her).

Once her exams were over, we were more like free birds. In fact even before her exams got over, I started planning about breaking the news at our home. I had already started "leaking" news at my home. I took my mom and dad to confidence. One of the days, I took her to my place to meet my parents. Dad liked her. Mom had her reservations. Dad being astrologer asked for her horoscope. Paro did not have one but we had her birth date and other details. Once dad had compared horoscope, he managed to convince Mom. Mom was OK after that but the biggest task was to break the news at Paro's parents and "guardians".

I went to Baroda to talk to my Uncle. My dad had Parkinson and he could not do much so I had to take help from one of my uncle. I started pressing Paro to break the news at her place but she was too scared to do that. In the mean time, her parents and guardians arranged a meeting with one of the suitable match for her. She came to work next day all crying and not able to talk to me as if she did something wrong. We had a good discussion on the subject. I tried explaining her that she needs to make up her mind and share information as home before it is too late. This was question of our future. Damn! I could not let her slip away from me. I had enough loss for once in past and I did not want to repeat it. It that would happen, I will die for sure. At her place her uncle was the person who was kind of decision maker for her family. So I decided to break the news to him first. As mentioned earlier, Shamita, Paro's cousin sister was working in my office. So the first thing I did was to take her in confidence. I mentioned the whole thing to her without stating anybody's name and asked for help. She was all excited to help without knowing. So I told her how she should approach the person she is going to talk. She was all ready. Finally, I took her to her place and slowly told her she needs to speak to her father. That was kind of cruel joke to her but it was question of my future. I had to be little smart here. She was all scared to talk to her father. I said, I am here, speak to him. If he blasts, I will handle it.

The talk went fine, actually better than I had expected. I just had to pitch in here and there. Paro's uncle knew me for a while as I use to go to drop Paro at their place for a while. He was just concerned that what do I hold in future for their daughter. Before that we had to break the news to Paro's parents. Her father was paralytic. We decided to break the news to her parents same evening. So I dropped her to her place and helped her gain her confidence.

I was anxiously waiting to know what happened. Paro went home and wrote down everything on a paper and gave the letter to her mom. Once her Mom read the letter, it was kind of all-hell-broke-loose. They both cried all night and Paro was like all shaky in the morning. When she came to office, her eyes were swollen and she was trembling.

I consoled her and tried giving some more confidence to her. After a day of going back and forth, her mom agreed to visit our place.

June 13th 1993 was the date when they came to my place. To see my economic background and to make sure their daughter will be in a decent place once she marries to me. It was to pleasure to meet them first time and show them around. They felt very comfortable once they visited our place and met my parents. We had engagement ceremony immediately.

We were from different community, caste and mother tongue and that is was so much ruckus around our getting together. Being with my parents with most of the time, I wanted to marry a girl who respects my parents and take care of them as her own. Paro was one I thought will be a good match for me.

This was union of two families. We all were so happy. And guess what, from next day, Paro started getting me lunch from home for me.

My Life - Part II

This cousin of my collegue was not some great looking chick or anything. She was just a common girl. She use to dress properly and was pretty simple. I once asked my collegue what is her name and what does she do? I was told PARO was her name and she was working as operator in Dean's office. She was also pursuing M.Com. and supporting her family. She was a quiet girl compared to her friends with whom I use to have tea/coffee once in a while. It had been 2 years I have been working here and I just had few friends for namesake to give company. One of them was Sanjay W. He was nice guy and was going stead with another operator.

He use to tell me stories about his "encounters" with this girl. They were deeply in love but they never planned on how to share the information with their family and thus get married.

Paro was offered part time operator work in our unit and she readily accepted it. It was like 3 hours after hours. She had to make extra money that she could for her family. If she had to work late then she use to stay at her uncle's place which was about 10 minutes walk from our office. She was not the only one, there were 3 more operators assigned to the task. The activities were time critical and had to be completed in stipulated time. Other friends use to love close by but Paro had to walk her way home. It was not unsafe but the office-in-charge requested me to take care of dropping her to her uncle's place every night when the work was done.

I use to go out for dinner around that time so I agreed for the same. I use to walk Paro home almost every night for nearly 3 months. During walking we use to chit-chat and talk about each others' personal life. Her uncle also liked me and asked me couple of times what I have been doing and about my family. My collegue, who was Paro's cousine, also gave nice feedback about to me to her father. I guess this was becuase I never use to talk much with females and always use to mind my own business. I also never particiapated in vulgur discussions. Slightest hint of discussion drafting towards vulagarity and I use to leave the place. Any intimate discussion use to remind me of Anu. I had one photograph of Anu that I had kept in my work room. I use to look at it, cry and keep listening to ghazals.

Working together, for a while, I had a chance to know each of those girls. One was engaged, one was flirting (seriously??) with my friend and that left Paro. Paro never got involved with anyone. I guess becuase she had a big responsiblity on her shoudlers. Her father was paralyzed after retirement. His pension was peanuts and they had to leave government quarters. Life had been difficult for her too.

As I understood similarities in our lives, I kind of started liking Paro. The day I won't see her, I use to feel uneasy. When I use to spend time with her, I felt really good. Smile returned on my face that was more noticable.

I was practically living in office most of the time. My responsibilities were huge compared to my age. But as I have mentioned before, I had matured very early in my life and I was proactive. That had earned me a very respectable position. HOD and Deans use to recognize me out of thousands of staff. That apart, I mostly use to eat outside or in mess.

Paro really use to feel for me as I was living a lonely life. Last few days, in December-January of (93-94) I started feeling a streak of light in her eyes for me. I have been observing her for a while now and really started liking her. In January, she went home for a festival and brought me home made sweets. She brought a big box and I finished everything. We grew closer a little more. There came valentine's day of 1994. My mind was racing. My heart wanted to propose her and my mind was running against it due to my past experiences. My heart won, it managed to tell my mind and agree on certain things related to the relationship.

I will propose her anyways. If she accepts it is good else I will never ever propose any female in my life and will get married to whoever my parents asks me to get married.

Around 7pm, she got ready to go home and I asked her if she is leaving for the day? She said, if you want, I can come back after dinner but I will have to pick her up and drop her back. I agreed.

Around 8pm I went out for dinner and picked her up. During my dinner break, I purchased a valentine card and a Cadbury dairy milk chocolate. We walked aimlessly for about 30 minutes. Then I gathered my wits and spoke to her about my feelings towards her. I told her that I love hear and I had special feelings for her. I also told her that she can answer whatever she felt. Paro started crying. I wondered what did I do to make her cry. Never knew before that how girls will react to proposal. I spent sometime consoling her and told her, there is no pressure to answer immediately. I also did not want the things to lay hanging in air so we agreed on a 3 day time frame. She asked me what will be the consequences if she said yes and if she said no to my proposal. I told her the deal was plain and simple, if she accepts my proposal, I will be very happy, I will stand by her whenever she needs me. If she rejected my proposal, I never talk to her ever again. No friendship no nothing. She took my card, cadbury and I bought her an ice-cream as parting gift.

We did not talk to each other for next 3 days. I did not want to influence her decision making process. I needed an honest answer. My failure in love probably had made me more pragmatic.

After three days, came big day. The day of judgement for me. I saw her dressed up all in yellow dress. She was looking cute. Her face looked a little tensed. I was tensed too. My heart was racing and thinking what am I going to do if she rejects me. I kept praying god, before she turns me down, I should be dead.

Whole day passed and I did not hear back from her. It was almost time to go home for her and I was waiting and all of a sudden I get this message, "meet me near Kanjurmarg station".

I dropped all that I had on my hand started moving out of office. She was going by bus and I was running all the way down almost 2kms.

As I reached, she was waiting for me. We started walking toward Mulund station. She said she accepts my proposal and I was so excited. She took a promise to not let anyone know that we were serious about our love and wanted to take our relationship to next level. This is to make sure no one interrupts this relation until she appears for her exams. Even after accepting my proposal, she did not look very happy. I kept thinking what was going through her mind? Why she is not happy? Is she responding to me under pressure? We separated that evening. Next day I sent her a message that I wanted to meet her alone far from where no one is around and I can talk to her for at least 2 to 3 hours. She had to find an excuse to be away from home for so long.

The day came almost after 4-5 weeks. She agreed to meet me on Gorai beach. I said, I will pick her up near my home and we went to beach to talk to each other.

This was the time I shared my past love life with her. She asked few things about my relationship and I share everything (except the part I have never mentioned to anyone). She said, she thought I was still serious with Anu as I had her photo on my desk. I explained to Paro that it was my way of getting strength to carry one after my heart break. What if she did not love me anymore, she can't me stop loving her. But now that you are in my life, I will not think about her. If she would have given her photo, I would have stuck it on my desk that moment, but I was bounded by promise.

At this moment, she also shared her past with me. She use to love a guy next door couple of years ago. He helped her family a lot when they moved in that new place and when she was not well (suffering from typhoid). We promised that we will sweep our past aside and start afresh.

Later she came to know that the guy was married and his family was living far away. He had come to Bombay to earn money. How ironic, we all travel thousands of miles away from home to earn money and fame and everything. What happens to our family, family members? How do they grow up? Do they loose sensitivity towards us? Do they get used to live without us? Even today sometime I wonder if she ever get up close and personal with him?

That was the beginning of our relationship. We were discrete as much as possible. I did not want to have any interruptions in her studies. We kept meeting out of our work place. She use to take bus up to Kanjurmarg and I use to ride a bicycle or go running all the way for 2 kms. Then we use to walk for miles up to Mulund. Once she boarded her home bound suburban train, I would take bus back to my work place and start working. My nights were long and days were tiring. She appeared for the exam and I started getting impatient.

to be continued....

My Life - Part I

(c) 2009 August, all rights reserve. No reproduction is allowed either in full or parts.

Note: Names have been changed in this article so that identities are not revealed.

I wonder if anyone is free from any kind of problems in today's world. I am basically a very sensitive person. Have had lack of love in my life from beginning. My sibling did not treat me well, I had to be away from parents when kids get the most love and to be in their good books, I did their every work in very young age (like 7 years onwards).

Being close to mature people, I learned realities of life at a very early stage. In fact, I became matured even without enjoying my childhood.

The lack of love in my childhood made me cling to good things that I received in my life (You were one of them and that is the reason of my possessiveness).

I started earning for my at age of 20. Since day one I started earning, unlike my siblings, I was contributing to run my household.

In May 1989 came my first love. I never had guts to speak to a female. She was the one who initiated. For 2 months of acquaintance, she use to argue with me. I never realized she wanted me to be man enough to initiate. When she realized and she is going to loose me (i was moving away because of job), she found reason to be with me for about a week. We spent nearly 3 hours together everyday for a week.

Finally, on the day before I was moving away, she made me have food outside. We had vada-paav, had sugarcane juice. She made me take a walk with her on queen's necklace and sit on bus stop and talk on all non-sense subjects. Today when I think about it, how meaningful it was!!

At the end of it, we boarded bus to afghan church where she use to live and proposed me on the upper deck of a Double-Decker bus. I was in seventh heaven. No one had up to now given me love that I needed the most and here I am sitting with a nice girl who is longing for me. (Dear Anu, I will never be able to forget you ever in my life). Anu, she brought love to my life. She made me feel, I was needed by someone. Someone was there in this world who cared.

We met almost after 2 months after that day! She use to call me everyday. Talk to me for hours. I don't even remember what we use to talk about but I use to talk and that is the most I have talked to someone.

Our first trip to Byculla was memorable for me. I remember, you hardly were able to get time between your college and family. But whenever you would, you would call me and I would come running from the other end of the city to see you. Sometimes in rains and sometime in summer. Running all the way from one staion to another, to reach to you early, I use to jump tracks and jump through running trains. I use to change compartments at every station so that at destination I don't have to wait much to exit station.

I remember the first kiss you gave me in your bedroom. We never had physical relationship. That was the farthest we moved physically. Hugging you and kissing you was my first experience. It was incredible.

As time progressed, I took you to meet my parents, my colleagues and one of the turned out to be worst for our relationship. I curse myself for that day. Never gave your phone number to any one. I still have it on tip of my tongue(495 xxxx). Well you know I can't write the whole number here, can I? Don't want someone to get in trouble

Remember the trip I took with you on Dehradun express? That was the biggest stunt I had ever pulled in my life. Trust me that was one of finest, love filled night for me. We were awake whole night, arms in arm, hugging and cuddling whole night. I wonder how I even dared to do such a thing? :-) May be love teaches everything in life.

September 1989, our love of nearly 9 months old. We stole some great moments in these months. Then came a turning point. One of the subordinate, insisted that I train his sister. I avoided the suggestion for a month. Then once I was at home, was not well and the girl came to my place. I had to start personal coaching due to insistence and need of money. Sam, started feeding all wrong information to you. I always loved you and I had no one else on my mind up to then. I use to drop her at home as I felt morally responsible for her safe return to home. Someone trusted his sister on me. How could I let her be alone at 10:30 pm?

BTW, Hardevi (that was her real name, I won't write her "known" name) was a great looking girl. Most people at my work place use to sigh looking at her and always wanted to get going with her. She avoided everyone.

December 1989, we had a new year party at work and she waited with me. We had cake, dance and everything. When everything ended it was 1am in the morning of 1st Jan 1990. She asked me to take to Juhu Beach. I was not very happy but she insisted. I had to comply but as we reached half way, drunk people started commenting on her and I was really feeling uneasy. I felt very unsafe. On 31st nigth, roads of Mumbai of very unsafe. Actually I feel they should put a curfew on that night. (In 2008, there have been molestation of an NRI female on Juhu beach).

http://www.dnaindia.com/mumbai/report_juhu-molestation-case-12-accused-deny-involvement_1144096

Anyways, we returned back from half the way and that is when she told me that she likes me and wants me to reciprocate. Frankly speaking, till then, i did not even know the meaning of reciprocation. And I was not ashamed to ask the meaning of the same. When she did, I was taken aback. I have been talking to Anu on phone right in front of her and she knew I have had a girlfriend for sometime. The best part is I was in deeply in love with Anu and here this girl also wanted to have her share from me. I explained to her that I am a man of word. I have given my word to Anu and I can't go back on that. Hardevi said, "What may happen, I will love you and I don't mind to be your second girlfriend". Now this was something that put me on spot. But I tried avoiding her.

On the other side, Sam kept giving you all misinformation about me and Hardevi. We never dated, I never had the feeling for Hardevi that I had for you. Anu, You were the one who shown me what is love. You were the first one I kissed. You were the first one I had physical contact with you. But you had started going away from me. You started avoiding my calls. We met once finally on the terrace of your building, Bhagirathi. One last hug and promise to be good friends. You had given your verdict but you don't know what went through my mind. I was ready to jump from the terrace. Somewhere in deep in my heart I had hope that you would turn back and hug me again. Alas!! that did not happen, I am still waiting that to happen. Not as a girl friend but as a good friend, at least??

In another 2 months I was like crazy. Hardevi was not willing to let me go and you were not ready to turn back to me. In the mean time, I had to go to Baroda. I was helping one of my friend to setup something in Baroda. Surprisingly, Hardevi joins me (probably because I had narrated our story to her and she wants to have the experience). She came along with me, nothing happened on train. When we reached home, she came along and I can not leave a girl on the road. We spent our time our own ways whole day. I had appointments and she went shopping. Came evening, we turned back home. I was sleeping outside in Veranda (open space out of house and others were in their own bedrooms). Hardevi had a bed in hall. Around 1am she came out, woke me up. We talked for a while and she started describing all feminine problems to me. All of a sudden she holds my hand and puts on her breasts. I was shocked. This was completely unexpected. After a second, she started rubbing my hand on her breasts. She was in control and I kind of was confused. In few seconds, I started going with flow. In few minutes, she removed her bra and directed my lips towards her breasts. I sucked them for nearly a minute. I was missing you and your memories suddenly pushed me to reality.

I got up and moved back to my bed outside. She tried to seduce me but I managed to get pass that moment somehow. Next morning we were on train and back to Bombay (yes, it was known as Bombay in those days).

I let myself run through retrospection and I did not like what had happened. I have kept my life like an open book, this is one episode that I have been ashamed of and have never been able to narrate to anyone. Not even you.

After this incident, I started keeping distance from Hardevi and she kept following me. It felt so awkward. When it became unbearable, I started collecting facts about her. The incident in Baroda had left a deep cut in my soul. And it was pricking me like a thorn. When I got enough facts about her, especially about a guy named Ashok, I confronted her. Her relationship with Ashok were intimate I guess. The moment she heard his name, she started crying and asked for forgiveness. I was man on mission. Just wanted to show mirror to her. So it turns bad, she is after me, talking to all my friend how I am ignoring her and seeking their help. One of my friend I even told, if you feel so pity for her, why don't you go and help her? Why you want Me to solve her problems? These problems were created by her and not by me.

The episode left a very bad mark on my life. I went in to depression. I left my job, I avoided my friends as they use to solicit about Hardevi to me. Three months passed by in such a state. Reading some religious books gave me some solace in my life. My life was back on track. Started avoiding all girls once again. Especially the ones that were my age. This also made move move to music. I started listening to Gazals. Those words and their meanings really started making sense to me. I could connect so well to gazals. 3 years passed by like this. In the mean time I joined one of the premier technical institute in India as an employee. I hardly use to talk to anyone. I was given a room to work where me and gazals were only present. I use to go out with friends but never grew close to them.

Shamita use to work in my office. Her cousin use to come to meet her once in a while and exchange some messages. I use to look at that girl occasionally.


to be continued....