My Life - Part I

(c) 2009 August, all rights reserve. No reproduction is allowed either in full or parts.

Note: Names have been changed in this article so that identities are not revealed.

I wonder if anyone is free from any kind of problems in today's world. I am basically a very sensitive person. Have had lack of love in my life from beginning. My sibling did not treat me well, I had to be away from parents when kids get the most love and to be in their good books, I did their every work in very young age (like 7 years onwards).

Being close to mature people, I learned realities of life at a very early stage. In fact, I became matured even without enjoying my childhood.

The lack of love in my childhood made me cling to good things that I received in my life (You were one of them and that is the reason of my possessiveness).

I started earning for my at age of 20. Since day one I started earning, unlike my siblings, I was contributing to run my household.

In May 1989 came my first love. I never had guts to speak to a female. She was the one who initiated. For 2 months of acquaintance, she use to argue with me. I never realized she wanted me to be man enough to initiate. When she realized and she is going to loose me (i was moving away because of job), she found reason to be with me for about a week. We spent nearly 3 hours together everyday for a week.

Finally, on the day before I was moving away, she made me have food outside. We had vada-paav, had sugarcane juice. She made me take a walk with her on queen's necklace and sit on bus stop and talk on all non-sense subjects. Today when I think about it, how meaningful it was!!

At the end of it, we boarded bus to afghan church where she use to live and proposed me on the upper deck of a Double-Decker bus. I was in seventh heaven. No one had up to now given me love that I needed the most and here I am sitting with a nice girl who is longing for me. (Dear Anu, I will never be able to forget you ever in my life). Anu, she brought love to my life. She made me feel, I was needed by someone. Someone was there in this world who cared.

We met almost after 2 months after that day! She use to call me everyday. Talk to me for hours. I don't even remember what we use to talk about but I use to talk and that is the most I have talked to someone.

Our first trip to Byculla was memorable for me. I remember, you hardly were able to get time between your college and family. But whenever you would, you would call me and I would come running from the other end of the city to see you. Sometimes in rains and sometime in summer. Running all the way from one staion to another, to reach to you early, I use to jump tracks and jump through running trains. I use to change compartments at every station so that at destination I don't have to wait much to exit station.

I remember the first kiss you gave me in your bedroom. We never had physical relationship. That was the farthest we moved physically. Hugging you and kissing you was my first experience. It was incredible.

As time progressed, I took you to meet my parents, my colleagues and one of the turned out to be worst for our relationship. I curse myself for that day. Never gave your phone number to any one. I still have it on tip of my tongue(495 xxxx). Well you know I can't write the whole number here, can I? Don't want someone to get in trouble

Remember the trip I took with you on Dehradun express? That was the biggest stunt I had ever pulled in my life. Trust me that was one of finest, love filled night for me. We were awake whole night, arms in arm, hugging and cuddling whole night. I wonder how I even dared to do such a thing? :-) May be love teaches everything in life.

September 1989, our love of nearly 9 months old. We stole some great moments in these months. Then came a turning point. One of the subordinate, insisted that I train his sister. I avoided the suggestion for a month. Then once I was at home, was not well and the girl came to my place. I had to start personal coaching due to insistence and need of money. Sam, started feeding all wrong information to you. I always loved you and I had no one else on my mind up to then. I use to drop her at home as I felt morally responsible for her safe return to home. Someone trusted his sister on me. How could I let her be alone at 10:30 pm?

BTW, Hardevi (that was her real name, I won't write her "known" name) was a great looking girl. Most people at my work place use to sigh looking at her and always wanted to get going with her. She avoided everyone.

December 1989, we had a new year party at work and she waited with me. We had cake, dance and everything. When everything ended it was 1am in the morning of 1st Jan 1990. She asked me to take to Juhu Beach. I was not very happy but she insisted. I had to comply but as we reached half way, drunk people started commenting on her and I was really feeling uneasy. I felt very unsafe. On 31st nigth, roads of Mumbai of very unsafe. Actually I feel they should put a curfew on that night. (In 2008, there have been molestation of an NRI female on Juhu beach).

http://www.dnaindia.com/mumbai/report_juhu-molestation-case-12-accused-deny-involvement_1144096

Anyways, we returned back from half the way and that is when she told me that she likes me and wants me to reciprocate. Frankly speaking, till then, i did not even know the meaning of reciprocation. And I was not ashamed to ask the meaning of the same. When she did, I was taken aback. I have been talking to Anu on phone right in front of her and she knew I have had a girlfriend for sometime. The best part is I was in deeply in love with Anu and here this girl also wanted to have her share from me. I explained to her that I am a man of word. I have given my word to Anu and I can't go back on that. Hardevi said, "What may happen, I will love you and I don't mind to be your second girlfriend". Now this was something that put me on spot. But I tried avoiding her.

On the other side, Sam kept giving you all misinformation about me and Hardevi. We never dated, I never had the feeling for Hardevi that I had for you. Anu, You were the one who shown me what is love. You were the first one I kissed. You were the first one I had physical contact with you. But you had started going away from me. You started avoiding my calls. We met once finally on the terrace of your building, Bhagirathi. One last hug and promise to be good friends. You had given your verdict but you don't know what went through my mind. I was ready to jump from the terrace. Somewhere in deep in my heart I had hope that you would turn back and hug me again. Alas!! that did not happen, I am still waiting that to happen. Not as a girl friend but as a good friend, at least??

In another 2 months I was like crazy. Hardevi was not willing to let me go and you were not ready to turn back to me. In the mean time, I had to go to Baroda. I was helping one of my friend to setup something in Baroda. Surprisingly, Hardevi joins me (probably because I had narrated our story to her and she wants to have the experience). She came along with me, nothing happened on train. When we reached home, she came along and I can not leave a girl on the road. We spent our time our own ways whole day. I had appointments and she went shopping. Came evening, we turned back home. I was sleeping outside in Veranda (open space out of house and others were in their own bedrooms). Hardevi had a bed in hall. Around 1am she came out, woke me up. We talked for a while and she started describing all feminine problems to me. All of a sudden she holds my hand and puts on her breasts. I was shocked. This was completely unexpected. After a second, she started rubbing my hand on her breasts. She was in control and I kind of was confused. In few seconds, I started going with flow. In few minutes, she removed her bra and directed my lips towards her breasts. I sucked them for nearly a minute. I was missing you and your memories suddenly pushed me to reality.

I got up and moved back to my bed outside. She tried to seduce me but I managed to get pass that moment somehow. Next morning we were on train and back to Bombay (yes, it was known as Bombay in those days).

I let myself run through retrospection and I did not like what had happened. I have kept my life like an open book, this is one episode that I have been ashamed of and have never been able to narrate to anyone. Not even you.

After this incident, I started keeping distance from Hardevi and she kept following me. It felt so awkward. When it became unbearable, I started collecting facts about her. The incident in Baroda had left a deep cut in my soul. And it was pricking me like a thorn. When I got enough facts about her, especially about a guy named Ashok, I confronted her. Her relationship with Ashok were intimate I guess. The moment she heard his name, she started crying and asked for forgiveness. I was man on mission. Just wanted to show mirror to her. So it turns bad, she is after me, talking to all my friend how I am ignoring her and seeking their help. One of my friend I even told, if you feel so pity for her, why don't you go and help her? Why you want Me to solve her problems? These problems were created by her and not by me.

The episode left a very bad mark on my life. I went in to depression. I left my job, I avoided my friends as they use to solicit about Hardevi to me. Three months passed by in such a state. Reading some religious books gave me some solace in my life. My life was back on track. Started avoiding all girls once again. Especially the ones that were my age. This also made move move to music. I started listening to Gazals. Those words and their meanings really started making sense to me. I could connect so well to gazals. 3 years passed by like this. In the mean time I joined one of the premier technical institute in India as an employee. I hardly use to talk to anyone. I was given a room to work where me and gazals were only present. I use to go out with friends but never grew close to them.

Shamita use to work in my office. Her cousin use to come to meet her once in a while and exchange some messages. I use to look at that girl occasionally.


to be continued....