My Life - Part II

This cousin of my collegue was not some great looking chick or anything. She was just a common girl. She use to dress properly and was pretty simple. I once asked my collegue what is her name and what does she do? I was told PARO was her name and she was working as operator in Dean's office. She was also pursuing M.Com. and supporting her family. She was a quiet girl compared to her friends with whom I use to have tea/coffee once in a while. It had been 2 years I have been working here and I just had few friends for namesake to give company. One of them was Sanjay W. He was nice guy and was going stead with another operator.

He use to tell me stories about his "encounters" with this girl. They were deeply in love but they never planned on how to share the information with their family and thus get married.

Paro was offered part time operator work in our unit and she readily accepted it. It was like 3 hours after hours. She had to make extra money that she could for her family. If she had to work late then she use to stay at her uncle's place which was about 10 minutes walk from our office. She was not the only one, there were 3 more operators assigned to the task. The activities were time critical and had to be completed in stipulated time. Other friends use to love close by but Paro had to walk her way home. It was not unsafe but the office-in-charge requested me to take care of dropping her to her uncle's place every night when the work was done.

I use to go out for dinner around that time so I agreed for the same. I use to walk Paro home almost every night for nearly 3 months. During walking we use to chit-chat and talk about each others' personal life. Her uncle also liked me and asked me couple of times what I have been doing and about my family. My collegue, who was Paro's cousine, also gave nice feedback about to me to her father. I guess this was becuase I never use to talk much with females and always use to mind my own business. I also never particiapated in vulgur discussions. Slightest hint of discussion drafting towards vulagarity and I use to leave the place. Any intimate discussion use to remind me of Anu. I had one photograph of Anu that I had kept in my work room. I use to look at it, cry and keep listening to ghazals.

Working together, for a while, I had a chance to know each of those girls. One was engaged, one was flirting (seriously??) with my friend and that left Paro. Paro never got involved with anyone. I guess becuase she had a big responsiblity on her shoudlers. Her father was paralyzed after retirement. His pension was peanuts and they had to leave government quarters. Life had been difficult for her too.

As I understood similarities in our lives, I kind of started liking Paro. The day I won't see her, I use to feel uneasy. When I use to spend time with her, I felt really good. Smile returned on my face that was more noticable.

I was practically living in office most of the time. My responsibilities were huge compared to my age. But as I have mentioned before, I had matured very early in my life and I was proactive. That had earned me a very respectable position. HOD and Deans use to recognize me out of thousands of staff. That apart, I mostly use to eat outside or in mess.

Paro really use to feel for me as I was living a lonely life. Last few days, in December-January of (93-94) I started feeling a streak of light in her eyes for me. I have been observing her for a while now and really started liking her. In January, she went home for a festival and brought me home made sweets. She brought a big box and I finished everything. We grew closer a little more. There came valentine's day of 1994. My mind was racing. My heart wanted to propose her and my mind was running against it due to my past experiences. My heart won, it managed to tell my mind and agree on certain things related to the relationship.

I will propose her anyways. If she accepts it is good else I will never ever propose any female in my life and will get married to whoever my parents asks me to get married.

Around 7pm, she got ready to go home and I asked her if she is leaving for the day? She said, if you want, I can come back after dinner but I will have to pick her up and drop her back. I agreed.

Around 8pm I went out for dinner and picked her up. During my dinner break, I purchased a valentine card and a Cadbury dairy milk chocolate. We walked aimlessly for about 30 minutes. Then I gathered my wits and spoke to her about my feelings towards her. I told her that I love hear and I had special feelings for her. I also told her that she can answer whatever she felt. Paro started crying. I wondered what did I do to make her cry. Never knew before that how girls will react to proposal. I spent sometime consoling her and told her, there is no pressure to answer immediately. I also did not want the things to lay hanging in air so we agreed on a 3 day time frame. She asked me what will be the consequences if she said yes and if she said no to my proposal. I told her the deal was plain and simple, if she accepts my proposal, I will be very happy, I will stand by her whenever she needs me. If she rejected my proposal, I never talk to her ever again. No friendship no nothing. She took my card, cadbury and I bought her an ice-cream as parting gift.

We did not talk to each other for next 3 days. I did not want to influence her decision making process. I needed an honest answer. My failure in love probably had made me more pragmatic.

After three days, came big day. The day of judgement for me. I saw her dressed up all in yellow dress. She was looking cute. Her face looked a little tensed. I was tensed too. My heart was racing and thinking what am I going to do if she rejects me. I kept praying god, before she turns me down, I should be dead.

Whole day passed and I did not hear back from her. It was almost time to go home for her and I was waiting and all of a sudden I get this message, "meet me near Kanjurmarg station".

I dropped all that I had on my hand started moving out of office. She was going by bus and I was running all the way down almost 2kms.

As I reached, she was waiting for me. We started walking toward Mulund station. She said she accepts my proposal and I was so excited. She took a promise to not let anyone know that we were serious about our love and wanted to take our relationship to next level. This is to make sure no one interrupts this relation until she appears for her exams. Even after accepting my proposal, she did not look very happy. I kept thinking what was going through her mind? Why she is not happy? Is she responding to me under pressure? We separated that evening. Next day I sent her a message that I wanted to meet her alone far from where no one is around and I can talk to her for at least 2 to 3 hours. She had to find an excuse to be away from home for so long.

The day came almost after 4-5 weeks. She agreed to meet me on Gorai beach. I said, I will pick her up near my home and we went to beach to talk to each other.

This was the time I shared my past love life with her. She asked few things about my relationship and I share everything (except the part I have never mentioned to anyone). She said, she thought I was still serious with Anu as I had her photo on my desk. I explained to Paro that it was my way of getting strength to carry one after my heart break. What if she did not love me anymore, she can't me stop loving her. But now that you are in my life, I will not think about her. If she would have given her photo, I would have stuck it on my desk that moment, but I was bounded by promise.

At this moment, she also shared her past with me. She use to love a guy next door couple of years ago. He helped her family a lot when they moved in that new place and when she was not well (suffering from typhoid). We promised that we will sweep our past aside and start afresh.

Later she came to know that the guy was married and his family was living far away. He had come to Bombay to earn money. How ironic, we all travel thousands of miles away from home to earn money and fame and everything. What happens to our family, family members? How do they grow up? Do they loose sensitivity towards us? Do they get used to live without us? Even today sometime I wonder if she ever get up close and personal with him?

That was the beginning of our relationship. We were discrete as much as possible. I did not want to have any interruptions in her studies. We kept meeting out of our work place. She use to take bus up to Kanjurmarg and I use to ride a bicycle or go running all the way for 2 kms. Then we use to walk for miles up to Mulund. Once she boarded her home bound suburban train, I would take bus back to my work place and start working. My nights were long and days were tiring. She appeared for the exam and I started getting impatient.

to be continued....

My Life - Part I

(c) 2009 August, all rights reserve. No reproduction is allowed either in full or parts.

Note: Names have been changed in this article so that identities are not revealed.

I wonder if anyone is free from any kind of problems in today's world. I am basically a very sensitive person. Have had lack of love in my life from beginning. My sibling did not treat me well, I had to be away from parents when kids get the most love and to be in their good books, I did their every work in very young age (like 7 years onwards).

Being close to mature people, I learned realities of life at a very early stage. In fact, I became matured even without enjoying my childhood.

The lack of love in my childhood made me cling to good things that I received in my life (You were one of them and that is the reason of my possessiveness).

I started earning for my at age of 20. Since day one I started earning, unlike my siblings, I was contributing to run my household.

In May 1989 came my first love. I never had guts to speak to a female. She was the one who initiated. For 2 months of acquaintance, she use to argue with me. I never realized she wanted me to be man enough to initiate. When she realized and she is going to loose me (i was moving away because of job), she found reason to be with me for about a week. We spent nearly 3 hours together everyday for a week.

Finally, on the day before I was moving away, she made me have food outside. We had vada-paav, had sugarcane juice. She made me take a walk with her on queen's necklace and sit on bus stop and talk on all non-sense subjects. Today when I think about it, how meaningful it was!!

At the end of it, we boarded bus to afghan church where she use to live and proposed me on the upper deck of a Double-Decker bus. I was in seventh heaven. No one had up to now given me love that I needed the most and here I am sitting with a nice girl who is longing for me. (Dear Anu, I will never be able to forget you ever in my life). Anu, she brought love to my life. She made me feel, I was needed by someone. Someone was there in this world who cared.

We met almost after 2 months after that day! She use to call me everyday. Talk to me for hours. I don't even remember what we use to talk about but I use to talk and that is the most I have talked to someone.

Our first trip to Byculla was memorable for me. I remember, you hardly were able to get time between your college and family. But whenever you would, you would call me and I would come running from the other end of the city to see you. Sometimes in rains and sometime in summer. Running all the way from one staion to another, to reach to you early, I use to jump tracks and jump through running trains. I use to change compartments at every station so that at destination I don't have to wait much to exit station.

I remember the first kiss you gave me in your bedroom. We never had physical relationship. That was the farthest we moved physically. Hugging you and kissing you was my first experience. It was incredible.

As time progressed, I took you to meet my parents, my colleagues and one of the turned out to be worst for our relationship. I curse myself for that day. Never gave your phone number to any one. I still have it on tip of my tongue(495 xxxx). Well you know I can't write the whole number here, can I? Don't want someone to get in trouble

Remember the trip I took with you on Dehradun express? That was the biggest stunt I had ever pulled in my life. Trust me that was one of finest, love filled night for me. We were awake whole night, arms in arm, hugging and cuddling whole night. I wonder how I even dared to do such a thing? :-) May be love teaches everything in life.

September 1989, our love of nearly 9 months old. We stole some great moments in these months. Then came a turning point. One of the subordinate, insisted that I train his sister. I avoided the suggestion for a month. Then once I was at home, was not well and the girl came to my place. I had to start personal coaching due to insistence and need of money. Sam, started feeding all wrong information to you. I always loved you and I had no one else on my mind up to then. I use to drop her at home as I felt morally responsible for her safe return to home. Someone trusted his sister on me. How could I let her be alone at 10:30 pm?

BTW, Hardevi (that was her real name, I won't write her "known" name) was a great looking girl. Most people at my work place use to sigh looking at her and always wanted to get going with her. She avoided everyone.

December 1989, we had a new year party at work and she waited with me. We had cake, dance and everything. When everything ended it was 1am in the morning of 1st Jan 1990. She asked me to take to Juhu Beach. I was not very happy but she insisted. I had to comply but as we reached half way, drunk people started commenting on her and I was really feeling uneasy. I felt very unsafe. On 31st nigth, roads of Mumbai of very unsafe. Actually I feel they should put a curfew on that night. (In 2008, there have been molestation of an NRI female on Juhu beach).

http://www.dnaindia.com/mumbai/report_juhu-molestation-case-12-accused-deny-involvement_1144096

Anyways, we returned back from half the way and that is when she told me that she likes me and wants me to reciprocate. Frankly speaking, till then, i did not even know the meaning of reciprocation. And I was not ashamed to ask the meaning of the same. When she did, I was taken aback. I have been talking to Anu on phone right in front of her and she knew I have had a girlfriend for sometime. The best part is I was in deeply in love with Anu and here this girl also wanted to have her share from me. I explained to her that I am a man of word. I have given my word to Anu and I can't go back on that. Hardevi said, "What may happen, I will love you and I don't mind to be your second girlfriend". Now this was something that put me on spot. But I tried avoiding her.

On the other side, Sam kept giving you all misinformation about me and Hardevi. We never dated, I never had the feeling for Hardevi that I had for you. Anu, You were the one who shown me what is love. You were the first one I kissed. You were the first one I had physical contact with you. But you had started going away from me. You started avoiding my calls. We met once finally on the terrace of your building, Bhagirathi. One last hug and promise to be good friends. You had given your verdict but you don't know what went through my mind. I was ready to jump from the terrace. Somewhere in deep in my heart I had hope that you would turn back and hug me again. Alas!! that did not happen, I am still waiting that to happen. Not as a girl friend but as a good friend, at least??

In another 2 months I was like crazy. Hardevi was not willing to let me go and you were not ready to turn back to me. In the mean time, I had to go to Baroda. I was helping one of my friend to setup something in Baroda. Surprisingly, Hardevi joins me (probably because I had narrated our story to her and she wants to have the experience). She came along with me, nothing happened on train. When we reached home, she came along and I can not leave a girl on the road. We spent our time our own ways whole day. I had appointments and she went shopping. Came evening, we turned back home. I was sleeping outside in Veranda (open space out of house and others were in their own bedrooms). Hardevi had a bed in hall. Around 1am she came out, woke me up. We talked for a while and she started describing all feminine problems to me. All of a sudden she holds my hand and puts on her breasts. I was shocked. This was completely unexpected. After a second, she started rubbing my hand on her breasts. She was in control and I kind of was confused. In few seconds, I started going with flow. In few minutes, she removed her bra and directed my lips towards her breasts. I sucked them for nearly a minute. I was missing you and your memories suddenly pushed me to reality.

I got up and moved back to my bed outside. She tried to seduce me but I managed to get pass that moment somehow. Next morning we were on train and back to Bombay (yes, it was known as Bombay in those days).

I let myself run through retrospection and I did not like what had happened. I have kept my life like an open book, this is one episode that I have been ashamed of and have never been able to narrate to anyone. Not even you.

After this incident, I started keeping distance from Hardevi and she kept following me. It felt so awkward. When it became unbearable, I started collecting facts about her. The incident in Baroda had left a deep cut in my soul. And it was pricking me like a thorn. When I got enough facts about her, especially about a guy named Ashok, I confronted her. Her relationship with Ashok were intimate I guess. The moment she heard his name, she started crying and asked for forgiveness. I was man on mission. Just wanted to show mirror to her. So it turns bad, she is after me, talking to all my friend how I am ignoring her and seeking their help. One of my friend I even told, if you feel so pity for her, why don't you go and help her? Why you want Me to solve her problems? These problems were created by her and not by me.

The episode left a very bad mark on my life. I went in to depression. I left my job, I avoided my friends as they use to solicit about Hardevi to me. Three months passed by in such a state. Reading some religious books gave me some solace in my life. My life was back on track. Started avoiding all girls once again. Especially the ones that were my age. This also made move move to music. I started listening to Gazals. Those words and their meanings really started making sense to me. I could connect so well to gazals. 3 years passed by like this. In the mean time I joined one of the premier technical institute in India as an employee. I hardly use to talk to anyone. I was given a room to work where me and gazals were only present. I use to go out with friends but never grew close to them.

Shamita use to work in my office. Her cousin use to come to meet her once in a while and exchange some messages. I use to look at that girl occasionally.


to be continued....